To some degree or another, we’ve all been shaped by our pasts, by our disappointments, our transgressions, our pains, and our regrets. There are defining moments in each of our stories, which, for better or for worse, shape the narrative of our lives. From minor faults and failures to major mistakes and mishaps, all of our pasts are imperfect, and it’s important to acknowledge this. Doing so enables us to recognize the objective effects of our behavior, to take ownership of our actions, and to apologize to those we need to.

On an introspective level, reflecting on the past also allows us to understand and release its hold on our identities. I often think about the experiences that have made the greatest impact on my life, for instance, and how much I have grown because of them. Yet, there are times when those same memories elicit deep shame about the person I was, and sometimes, fear I still am. 

The fact is, the realities of the past are fixed, but our perceptions and the meaning we ascribe to them are not. Although we cannot change the truth about what we’ve done or who we’ve been, we can change our attitudes toward those truths. 

In other words, how we regard the past is a choice. We can choose to allow it to define us or we can choose to learn from it and move forward in freedom. It’s clear, of course, that there’s no advantage to the first option. So how do we achieve the latter?

Like most things in life, taking control of our stories requires time and intention. We must be able to look back at our lives and ask, “What aspects of the past do I struggle to reconcile?” and “How can I reframe how I relate to those events?” Without sufficient reflection, we won’t be able to recognize the thought patterns and behaviors that have brought us to where we are now or adjust them to align with our future goals.

When I consider the past, there are countless personal failures and squandered opportunities I wish I could forget, but if I never acknowledged them, I would never be able to understand the meanings I’ve attached to them and move on. You see, no matter how imperfect our pasts are, we always have the choice to learn from them, knowing that each new decision before us is a chance to re-shape our stories.

Truly, we are not the sum of our mistakes. The past certainly shapes us, but it does not have to define us. As long as we’re willing to reflect on it, we’ll discover the power to see it in light of a far grander narrative and future. As Shakespeare wrote, “What’s past is prologue.”

How has your past influenced your present sense of self? Are there ways you have allowed past mistakes to define you?

This article was originally written for Darling Magazine.